I went to the hole-in-the-wall autobank to get some cash this week. I noticed that the machine I regularly use (Clydesdale Bank, Milngavie precinct) is new. A good sign as the old one was really tatty. However I was alarmed to see that when it displayed the bank balance the screen was a very bright white and the size of the numerals was very, very LARGE! Progress? Another candidate for my (over-stuffed Book of Bad Design!)
Never mind ... Brian E. sent me the following letter which is doing the rounds on the internet. (The photo is one I found in the New York Public Library website.)
TO MY BANK MANAGER
An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and this [unknown to me ...] newspaper thanks him most sincerely.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
___________________________________________________________
Addendum from The Editor:
IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a 98 year old woman.
Mailbox at Kessington shops opposite the Vet School
Pots at the back door.
At mid-day it was still coming down ....
My first submission relates to childrens' drinking cups. The pink and blue ones in the foreground are ones I bought in Helensburgh last year and they are terrible for spilling. They were not cheap; the stack in the background are IKEA's. However the design problem is the same - they are unstable.
Iain looking toward Ben Lomond down the Blane Valley. The Ben is shrouded in mist.
Blane valley with Dumgoyne and the Campsies on the left.
The autumn sunshine on the moor.
Craigallian Loch on Mugdock Country Park
The orchestra rehearsing in the afternoon. We had a very good concert with a respectable turn-out of parents and friends. Dennis Haggerty and Andrew Nicol were the guest artists and give wonderful value for money! The church has a very nice ambience; chunky white candles are lit on the window ledges all along both sides of the church. I would say about 30 in all. Although we cannot dim the lights (otherwise the children couldn't read their music) the effect is very soft and pleasant.
A behind-the-scenes photo. One of our youngsters had pegs that kept slipping. And, I recall, another year, someone's bridge collapsed. So I got Mairi to bring her violin over and I got the strings sorted and made sure it was tuned in readiness for any emergency. 
Well, when I took them out they were squidgy to the point of being slightly underdone.
A well appeared in each cupcake. I decided to be creative and fill the wells with white icing into which I placed a chocolate eyeball (chocolate ball covered in foil with an eyeball printed on it). I thought them rather clever!
After the guisers performed their party pieces I offered them these Treats... got the thumbs down all round - total rejection! Ah-h-h ... kids these days are just too fussy!
Alastair, 2 and 3/4 years, wants to be in on all the action which I usually reserved for Ishie, nearly 4 years, who is very co-ordinated and, as she says, "I have more sense in my head" [than Alastair]!
She and John made the face and once we put 3 of IKEA's tea-lights inside it was definitely a spooky work of art! Just as soon as the children were dressed up the doorbell started to ring with guisers (as they call them in Scotland) and as a result I completely forgot to take a photo of the finished face!
The custom is that everyone comes prepared to sing or recite their party piece before they are given their treat. Pumpkin Person Alastair and Princess Ishie are giving us their turn.
Pumpkin People, fresh out of the Pumpkin Patch, need to pause for a moment of re-fuelling.
Mairi with a Wilting Pumpkin listens to the neighbouring children as they chirp out their knock knock jokes or, as Rebecca gave us, a hearty rendition of You Canny Fling Your Pieces Oot a 20 Story Flat ... one of Glasgow's (numerous) best loved street/folk songs!
I know that I cannot be bothered with recipe books that do not have coloured pictures so I think one reason - apart from the fact that I prefer to be busy 'doing' things than sitting down - that I am not a book-y person is that I need colour. Full stop. That means that the book has to really engage me if it is a novel or similar sort of book. Many times I will lay a book aside having tried my best to get into it.
They are so imaginative! I pour over the drawings laughing at the nonsense activities that Huckle, Gorilla Bananas, Sergeant Murphy and the rest get up to.
